the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
