The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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