THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
