We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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