How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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