I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
