so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
