I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
