Moan for me like Helen Keller
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
