i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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