Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
