I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
we should paint friendship bongs
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
