just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize