Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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