Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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