Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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