The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Bring me that man meat
Randomize
