Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
