Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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