Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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