a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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