It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
