Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
