People in love make me want to vomit
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So apparently I’m into choking now
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