If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize