my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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