i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
