he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
