The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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