If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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