Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
