I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Hippo gnu deer
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
