i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
