I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
