So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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