And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
