good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
