I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
