I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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