i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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