Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
