The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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