It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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