eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
