Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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