Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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