she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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