You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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