woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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