i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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