I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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