seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
