If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
