weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
