sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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