If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
