dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
