I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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