Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
