ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
