I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
being pregnant is like rehab
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
